When everything falls apart: 10 ways to cope.

Written from the thick of it, for anyone who’s barely holding on.

This is a deeply personal piece of writing, from my own lived-experience as a human in pain - not as a therapist helping you through yours. Six years later, I have found myself referring to it and even sending it on to friends, family and clients who are in crisis. So I thought why not share it with you too. May it make your day a little brighter and your path a little clearer…

I'm not going to give you my specifics, but I will tell you I am writing from experience and I'm right in the muddy, stenching 'thick of it'. I have just completed the first (and possibly worst) week of a life that should be smashed to smithereenes. But I have had a good week. I'll go one better infact, I have had a great week. Full of love, laughter, joy, rest, peace, calm, clarity. My feet are not just standing. They're dancing. And so, this is my 10 step secret formula for how to thrive in the midst of catastrophe.

1. Breathe

There really is nothing more underrated and freely available to every one of us than this. Deep breathing. In moments of the most acute pain - physical or mental - breathe. Deeply. In and out. In and out. Mums, we know this right! Consciously sucking up all the spiky, gut wrenching feels, taking them deep deep down into the pit of your belly. And then releasing in one long, determined, cleansing out breathe. There are many resources to practice the art of healing breathing. But even if you've never touched a yoga mat, and meditation is some new-age hocus-pocus idea to you. When you find shit hitting the fan and your stomach does a death drop, just start right there. Your body will do the rest.

2. Stay in the present moment

When someone takes a Machete and slices through the centre of your reality in one long strike, you are going to face some major changes. Whether it's a health diagnosis, a fatal accident, a relationship break-down - life can be one thing one minute and something entirely different the next. And we'll all face this once or multiple times in our lives. It's unavoidable and quite frankly, it's a fact. The temptation is to take it all on at once - project the new future you're bound to face onto a movie screen and play it in surround sound with 3D goggles. Don't do that. We weren't designed to move more than one step forward at a time. Physically or mentally. Stay in your present moment. Do the kids need breakfast? Make it for them. Is that your favourite song on the radio? Sing along! Is the sun set turning the clouds a pinkish orange? Appreciate it. Yes there will be major life changes and they may have to unfold at a roller-coaster speed. But take each moment as it comes and hit the pause button if you find your head spiralling future bound or digging deep into the past events. It will only produce a feeling of anxiety and overwhelm in you. Here in the present you have everything you need.

3. Ask for help

Don't give Pride the microphone in your darkest hour. It will speak many untruths in your ear, most of them directed at keeping you isolated, cut off, alone. 'You don't really have any good friends do you? They're busy and you've already leaned on them for help before - you can't possibly burden them again. You should be able to cope with this yourself - everyone else would. Maybe you even brought this on yourself, you should have known better and everyone else will think the same'. I call bullshit to all of that. There will be people in your life who will stand by you through anything. Who would give anything within their power to see you do well. You only need one good friend to make the world of difference. And chances are you'll find a whole squad of cheerleaders bursting forth to carry you through this shit-storm. I've had flowers, books, cards, accommodation, a personalised advent calendar with mantras to get me through each day! As well as message after message of concerned friends and family coming in each day. And I am no different to you. Go to your people and let them do whatever it is they can do for you. And if you really are stuck and alone, call the Samaritans (116 123).

4. Take time off

Let's get this straight. You wouldn't limp into work with a bone sticking out of your shin. Or a temperature of 101 making your body rattle and jaw clench like someone in serious substance withdrawal. You would stay in bed, go to hospital, take the necessary medicine and time to heal before re-surfacing. It is no different when your mental health takes a hit. Whatever the major blow you're facing, it's likely to pile an articulated lorry's load of stress on you. And even if you feel ok, you have permission to take a moment's pause before getting on with the status quo. If you are employed you are entitled to sick days - often paid. Take some. And if you need more than a week, get a doctor's note. Call it 'stress', 'anxiety', 'depression'. Whatever the label, take it and use it to give you time. And if you have young kids, I get it - time off is impossible or a luxury. But use whatever childcare set-ups you have to help you find some pockets of space, however long or short that might be. And don't feel guilty!

5. Love yourself extravagantly

This is a mantra for life, not just for times of crisis. But it is more vital in the worst weeks than ever. The default may be to make sure everyone else is ok. To feed the family and forget yourself. But when a plane is crashing it is your oxygen mask you must put on first before attending to others. And so, grab that mask and get chugging on it. This will look different to us all. But decide to take the very best care of yourself, the kind of care someone who loves you dearly would pour out. Ask yourself, what soothes you? What delights you? What brings you to life? And most importantly - what do you need? Right now, in this. For me in this last week, this has been dozing off on the sofa after dropping the kids to school and the childminders. It's been cooking good, healthy, delicious food for myself and not skipping meals. It's been borrowing my neighbour's shellac nail kit and painting mine red. Curling my hair. A trip to the cinema. A night out with cocktails. Gentle jogs. Scooting. Listening to great podcasts that feed my soul. All this and more has made for a truly wonderful week in the face of my monster.

6. See a therapist

I'm lucky enough to have been in therapy for two years with an extraordinary woman who knows my deepest thoughts and feelings. So of course I arranged an emergency appointment to get me through the week and knew I'd be in the safest hands. But even if you've never contemplated any form of therapy or counselling before, I cannot recommend enough starting right now in your train-wreck. Just use the hour to cry if need be. Someone will sit with you in that pain, make it safe for you to let the primal wails out if that's what you need. Or they'll accompany you in the silence. They'll probe you with gentle, healing questions. Whatever it is you need, you will find it with a good therapist. And yes friends and family can offer listening ears, shoulders for tears and well-meaning advice. But there's nothing like a professional to handle our most delicate, fragile wounds. Just as certain physical casualties can only be addressed by a nurse of surgeon. So to with mental health. If you can find the money somehow, it will be the best way you've ever spent it.

7. Exercise (including dance!)

If you're eating well, sleeping well and taking time out, hopefully you will summon the energy to exercise. Release those endorphins in whatever way suits you - running, swimming, scooting (as I love to do), in a sweaty exercise class, or just following a YouTube work-out in your front room! Elizabeth Gilbert says she committed to dance every day when she was grieving the death of her partner, and I can't recommend this enough. Your body will tell your brain you are still alive and kicking. It might even release joy, laughter, euphoria! It has for me. And I don't care if you're a Stacey Dooley or a Scott Mills on the dance floor - style is not the point. Just get your body moving, your blood pumping and have some fun! I'm here to say it is not only possible, but it works.

8. Make a playlist

Music is one of the most powerful and influential stimulus for our state of mind. Have you ever been in the middle of something when suddenly a song comes on the radio that takes you to another time and place because it is so loaded with memories? For good or bad, music has the power to change us from one state to another. And in my time of crisis I have chosen to use music to build me up. I created a playlist full of badass female, high energy vibes. And it has been well played (rinsed) this last week. My nearly three year old daughter is loving it as much as me. And when the call 'Who run the world?' is given to her, she responds 'GIRLS!' without a moment's pause. This brings me great pleasure. Make a playlist to get you through your week in the most positive way possible. Then adjust it as the pain and grief moves on a step. And then again. Until you no longer need it. It's your tool to use as you like.

9. Don't resist what life has served you

The only way you will feel great suffering in this tsunami is if you resist its crashing force inevitably coming upon you. Instead, I have found myself accepting what is. And that is half the battle. All the energy we spend in 'if only' and 'it's not fair', 'why me?' is just wasted and lost. And we need every ounce of energy we can get. It does not and cannot change what is. I have learnt that when the scary waves roll in we can choose to panic and flap, or we can grab our surf board, assume the 'about to jump on' pose and wait. The wave is coming either way. And I'd rather ride it than be crushed or sucked into its vortex like a helpless piece of meat. To be alive is to face the great highs and the devastating lows that will inevitably come in waves. Chose to let them come, accept them the same, and go with their flow.

'If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same... yours is the Earth and everything that's in it.' (If, Rudjard Kipling)

10. Speak affirmations to yourself daily

I write mine in a journal. You can speak yours to a mirror, sing yours in the shower, scribble it on your hand. It doesn't matter how, so long as you do it. Daily. I recommend first thing. So what exactly do I tell myself and why do I bother? Well I tell myself I'm strong, powerful, beautiful, brave. I tell myself I have everything I need to get me through today. I tell myself to expect miracles in every encounter. I declare in bold and underline, 'You've got this Lu. You are going to boss this day'. Maybe you'll have to fake it till you make it. But I've done this so often I actually believe it to be true. Either way the result will be the same. You will experience your day and all that it brings with a lighter, freer mindset. The load won't feel as heavy - I swear, mine has been as light as a feather. And don't get me wrong this is not about denial. The pain is real and the shit still as stinky. But if you chose to focus on the wonder, awe and magic that still awaits you each day and experience it in its fullness, you will shrink that turd to a stain on the bottom of your shoe instead of caking your entire body with it. You have the power to chose how your day is going to be, no matter what the storm brings. Don't underestimate it, overlook it or under-use it. Declare it daily.

There are many more things I could share. As soon as I hit post I know more will come flooding. But 10 feels like a good number to start with. Lastly, I'm sorry you're going through whatever it is you're going through. Know that you're not alone. I hope this has brought you some hope and practical advice. I'm not the expert, but I am my expert. And this stuff really works for me.

Best of luck, hugs and solidarity. xx